Weekend = Success

This has been an epic weekend of sweet, sweet victory... 

It began with what I like to call "two fistin' Friday" (two beers, guys...and they were called "October Surprise"...I think the surprise was that there were two of them?).  Nashville is full of great imbibing locales and Village Pub in East Nash is my favorite for work-week detox and weekend commencement.  Let me tell you...I had a rough week of sitting...oh boy was it rough.  (wah, waaaaahhh.)

The evening was shared with a non-derbed friend of mine.  You know, I didn't really understand it when derby articles and books I had been reading discussed the difficulties of maintaining non-derby relationships.  Now I see what the big deal is...it's kind of hard!  I'm quite loyal to my close few, but now I also have this big tight-knit group of crazy-ass women who are all virtually manacled together by the fact that, One: we play a sport that is considered unusual, Two: we have to work so hard physically and mentally to play this sport as it's meant to be played--shared pain and victory, and Three: for newbies like myself, we are bound in a vulnerable state of seeming imbecility (read: propensity to make fools of ourselves as we're learning, while trying to pretend that embarrassment doesn't phase us).   It really is difficult to describe this to people who are not involved.  I suppose, part of maintaining my non-derby friendships is attempting to educate them on the intensity of this life experience.  Or in the case of my Friday drinking buddy, not bring it up at all and let her do all the talking...one of her specialties.  Which seemed to work too.

Saturday morning I continued on my "Crippled Leg Muscle Maintenance" quest.  I've finally added a bit of cardio by way of boxing, while kneeling, with light hand weights.  It at least gets my heart rate going a bit higher...and it does wonders for my abs!  Another favorite challenge is "rotating planks" (still on my knees).  I do timed intervals rotating without rest from standard plank position, to right side, back to standard, to left side and back for 15 seconds each for up to 2 minutes, then a rest.  My muscles seem to be consistently in that sweet state of constructive pain, so it must be working a little bit? 

Saturday night was legendary...  First of all, let me show you my dear Honey Punches (unofficially named, since it's already taken, but it fits her so well!) in her freaking adorable Mad Hatter costume: 

She, along with my brother who was in town from Indiana, were my dates to the "Music City Massacre and Halloween Brawl".  This was my brother's first taste of derby, and I'm happy to say, he was thoroughly impressed that his sister would be apart of it very soon.  AND, he has already given me permission to teach his unborn daughter (due in January) to be a derby badass.  I'm thinking I'll put her in skates at age 3 when she's still low to the ground and her bones are semi-pliable.  

The most thrilling part of the event, was that this was Ann T. Histamine's first Nashville bout (she's a transfer from Wichita, KS) and Curse Practitioner's first official bout EVER!  It was intra-league (Angels vs. Demons) and each team held an equal smattering of A, B, and C team members.  Curse and Ann T were pitted against each other and they were both phenomenal!  Had I not been filming, I would have lost my shit screaming...I was so proud of both of them.  Here's a shaky, yet entertaining clip of Ann T (in red, white skates and knee pads) and A-team skater Lady Fury (red leg warmers) giving Curse (white jammer) some hell:

Curse was utilized as jammer several times throughout the bout and proved to be one crazy badass.  In one fortuitous jam, a quick change in line-up moved her from blocker to jammer and she killed it, completely untouched at one point.  In an unusual, though crucial move, teammate and A-team jammer extraordinaire Ramb0 Samb0 seems to shove Curse out of play, but upon closer examination, she saved her from a track-cut major and Curse was able to continue on with her furious accumulation of 17 points.  See below why I am now a bit starstruck by my 'ol pal.  I'm afraid fondue and zombie movie nights will never be the same:

Curse's post-bout high was rather adorable...I'm pretty sure she has yet to remove/wash her uniform top or scrub the numbers off her arms (she's probably wearing it to work as I type this and her patients are wondering where that not so pleasant scent is coming from).  We took her downtown for some celebratory BBQ (Shout out to Jack's BBQ on Broadway...it's unbelievable!), because that's what you do in Nashville.  I admit, I felt like I was hanging with a celebrity.  I wanted to shout at all of those lame tourists on Broadway, "Don't you know who this is?!?!?!"  At any rate, I was just elated to witness her victory...and I'm very excited to have an almost A-team skater available to help train me when I'm back to skating.

Continuing on... Since derby wasn't enough contact sport for the weekend, through a sweet little hook-up at my disposal, I snagged my brother and I a little adventure to LP field for the Titans/Colts game.  It looked like this:

I honestly don't understand football...and really, it's soooooo slooooowwww!!  Oh man, and don't even get me started on the cheerleaders...threw up in my mouth a little watching them.  However, it was a beautiful day for some dudes in tight pants to tackle each other...and my bro was impressed with me.  Score!

Weekend = Success. 

Leg = Meh.

Curse & Ann T = Badass

BBQ = OMG

Inspiration...

http://www.derbylife.com/articles/2011/10/meet_team_england_feral_fairy

Feral Fairy from Team England (for the Derby World Cup), broke her ankle and only 2 months after returning to skating, tried out and made the national team.  That get's me all fired up in that, "Oh HELL YES!!" sort of way.

Not to sound too cheesy here, but I occassionally have dreams that I'm skating...probably because I'm obsessively comb derby websites all day long.  In last night's dream, I was in a locker room at a training center of some kind with a bunch of random skaters from all over the country.  In the dream I was stressed because I couldn't find my mouth guard, but that's not the point.  I will not give up this goal, ever...its imprinted on my subconscious.  I don't really want to play on a National team, I just want to be the fiercest blocker in the league.  And simply...I will be.
 

VAROOOOM!!!

Some of my rec league mates and I had a facebook discussion a few weeks back about the phenomenon of post-practice driving.  Everyone who skates must know this is an exclusive issue.  You're skating for several hours, swerving around people, changing speed, knocking people down...just being generally aggressive.  Then you take all of your gear off and head home...trading one set of wheels for another, and yet, your brain hasn't completely switched back to "real life".  You pull onto the road and a car is next to you and immediately you think, "Out of my way!!" and you go to hip check them, you go as far as sliding your ass sideways in your seat a little bit before you realize, "Ummmm...THIS IS A CAR!" and it's not your hip anymore, it's your front fender!!  You're driving fast, you cut people off (and flip them off in most instances)...Lord help you if you try a backward toe stop.  Sadly, I don't think, "sorry officer, I was still in derby mode" is a valid excuse.  Anyway...

That story was really just to preface this:  I CAN DRIVE AGAIN!!!!!  I have now been cleared to put "half weight" on my gimp leg, which I don't fully understand how the technique of that works, but I do fully embrace that my ligament is healed enough that it won't pop off when I push on some pedals!!  I currently cannot find the precise, intelligent-sounding adjectives to use to describe what a happy relief this is (I talk more smarter with caffeine).  It gives me some hope back!!  I AM actually healing, and I WILL get rid of those damn crutches sooner or later, and I CAN go buy my own "Sonic Route 44 diet Cherry Limeades with extra cherries and easy ice" whenever I get a craving. 

When I first got in the car and pulled out of the alley, I felt like a useful member of society as opposed to just a...less useful member of society (still having descriptive word trouble???).  If my skull contained a normal, un-medicated girl brain that had the capacity to display a full emotional range, I would have cried some tears of joy.  However, I did maniacally giggle and shouted "I REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE!!!!" several times as my mother white knuckled the door handle, threw the "mom-belt" (her arm!!) across me, while simultaneously smashing the invisible passenger side break pedal.   This is doing wonders for my psyche, in general though.  And you know how you've heard about all of those studies that positive people heal faster...or something?  Well it's gonna be true, bitches!!! 

And now, because I know you wanted to know...this is what the healing process currently looks like.  CANKLE!!!  I have one tendony, skinny chicken ankle and one club foot with cabbage patch kid toes (note: I am purposely scrunching my toes up, they don't remain bent that way permanently.  note #2: yes, there is an Archie bobble head and a Golden Snitch on my bookshelf.): 

I'm sure the swelling will subside at some point.  But until then, I still have to elevate it whenever I'm sitting around.  At work this has been particularly interesting...currently it is propped up on an over-turned recycling bin.

No one really mentions this, but the most horrible part of the healing process is having 8 million people ask you the same questions about the healing process.  Every. Single. Day.  And it's usually people that don't have a valid interest, they are just annoyingly curious.  (I'm not bothered by it if friends ask genuinely.)  However, if I ever have to do this again, I'm going to make sure I have a full list of snarky responses to either make people uncomfortable, or just shut them down completely.

Common question: "So, when do you get to stop wearing the boot?" 
Perceived unsatisfactory REAL answer that generally creates more stupid questions: "I have no idea, I suppose when the doctor says I can."
Snarky Answer that should shut people up:  "Well, funny you should ask...there's a gangrenous infection in my ankle and I'll be going in for an amputation in two weeks.  Thanks for reminding me about my significant loss that I've not been able to fully process yet. *SOBS AND TEARS!!!* [scene]

Something that oddly never gets old is when complete strangers ask me what happened to my leg.  I LOVE their reactions when I tell them that I play roller derby.  SHOCK and AWE!!  Really, it's a great kind of PR for the league!  Most people that I tell didn't even realize that Nashville had a roller derby league.  So there!  I helped! 

So as I continue on with this new phase of recovery...with my limited emotions, I really must express how wonderfully overwhelmed I've been with the kindness of all of my skater-woman dynamos who have gone out of their way to drive me places.  They have assured themselves a chauffeur (ME) if/when they are injured, that's for sure.  I will drive them to the ER, bring them limeades and tots, take them to NRG sanctioned luaus or non-sanctioned pie & pint nights...trips to Kroger; trips to practice; trips to Target for tampons, gummies, and a Justin Bieber-esque hoodie; trips to Curse's house to watch derby on her big-ass TV, trips to Calypso cafe for turnip greens (sounds gross, but OMG!).

I'm filled with gooey love for this particular posse in no particular order: Manda-pants (honorary-derby member in my book and bff/sister since we were 14!), Morgo (guest blogger, comic relief, pumpkin beer-bearer, and derby wife that yells at me for not always using my crutches properly), unofficially named Honey Punches (derby wife-daily companion, procurer of grilled cheeses, litter box scooper, and fellow all-day pajama wearer), Curse Practitioner (NRG insider and derby crush, rescuer of my modesty when I wear short skirts and attempt to drag a gimp leg into a short car, potato-cheese connoisseur), and Ann T. Histamine (NRG insider #2, fellow cat obsessor, brave trier of GRUEL!, derby rules aficionado--go ICT!).  My stein runneth over!  *happy ending sigh*

Speaking of cats (we were, right?): 

(I am going to eat your face off while you sleep.)

Gummies: A One-sided Conversation

Falling under the "other stuff that I think about" tag...I have to take a minute and discuss another something I'm extremely passionate about.  Gummies. 
I would eat gummies for every meal of the day if they had any kind of nutritional value...which I admit they never do, even if they are packaged as "fruit snacks" and have "made with real fruit juice" on the label.  It's still congealed corn syrup and gelatin (ground up cow and pig hooves!!) no matter what, but oh are they Heaven. 

Something that disturbs me a bit in the confectionery world, is the prevalent domination of Hairbo gummies.  Sure they have a huge product line and European domination (they are German, after all), and snappy commercials with kids pretending to be adults in a boardroom discussing gummy bear product distribution.  But really, they are rubbery crap.  The only gummy I can  truly get behind is by Chicago's own, Ferrara Pan Candy Company, which produces the most incredibly superior textured and flavored Black Forest gummies.  You can actually chew the hell out of them without developing TMJ.  And the flavor saturation is the key...you can actually differentiate the flavors.  The clear ones are pineapple!!  And really, I love the boldness of the company's slogan: "Black Forest...where the best gummies come from."  Which is a sneaky little jab since The Black Forest is actually a place in Germany.  Oh SNAP!!  Take that Hairbo, you've fooled people into thinking your German candy is the best, so we're going to pretend ours is German too and steal some of your consumers...or something.  I feel like it's some kind of reverse psychology or something.  At any rate, I'm siding with the fake-German gummies...they play dirty and that's how I roll.  And they just taste so good!  And their gummy worms have this face on them:

Fake-German Grandpa Worm!!!!  How can you not love this!?!?

6 weeks...

Tuesday is the 6 week mark...that means there could be 4-6 weeks left and I'll be walking on my own?  (hoping, hoping, hoping)  Not sure when the skating can resume, but I've been doing my psycho derby fan/fresh meat duties and have been reading and watching ridiculous amounts of derby.

I've watched NRG's bouts from the South Central tournament about 8 times each now...every single time I watch I learn something new.  I'm focusing on the strategy that NRG uses...I want to get my balance back and be able to go into Derby 101 and nail it.  I'm going to hit so hard and kick every ass until I'm the last one standing.

This book, has been extremely entertaining:

(get it on amazon.com)

It has a lot of beginner information that is useful for someone contemplating joining,  but also it contains excellent interviews, track stories, and of course the history of the sport.  Reading skater's interviews about how they fell in love with derby got me kind of choked up at one point.  I'm not a crier at all, I'm too medicated for that; but reading about other girls finding it the same way I did really struck me.  I'm channelling all of this frustration of not being able to skate right now...I'm letting it build up and I'm holding it just at bay so when I do come back, it will explode into a Hiroshima level mushroom cloud of power.  I love it fiercely, and I will fight with all I have for it.  

That said, I'm still working hard at building and maintaining health and muscle tone.  I give myself at least one day of rest in between work outs, but I'm ready to step up my game.  I may get a trainer involved again.  I like being pushed to my limit, and I can't always seem to do that to myself.  I did try out another form of athlete gruel this week to help this all out.  This one looked like this:

I went simpler with this one.  It is just red quinoa with ground flax, steamed kale, and pan seared tofu.  I used garlic and some black pepper, tamarind, a little cumin, and whatever else I felt shaking in there.  I need to remember to not eat it right after I make it; it's kind of terrible and the texture is just gross.  After it "cures" a bit in the fridge, usually for about a day, all the flavors mesh together and its amazing. 

Right now in a "kick her while she's down" sort of moment, I'm battling a bitch of a lung infection.  (Oh Lord, give me the strength to get past this and keep kicking ass.)  I'm down, but will never be out.  I am going to whine a bit about it though.  Shit.  I'll be back.  I WILL be back.     

  

A List of Things

So, we (skating buddies) made some GRUEL!!!  It was an interesting experiment containing a whole bevy of odd flavors and textures that I'm not entirely sure worked out so well, but in the end, we had a hilarious time.  Here's what it looks like: 

I've pretty much been stuck with the entire pot of it this week, because none of those pansies were brave enough to take it home and let it cure.  I will admit, it wasn't the best when first made, but after sitting in the fridge and getting a bit gooey, it turned out excellent.  It is quinoa cooked in thai coconut curry flavored chicken broth, white beans, kale (like an entire giant bag of it), zucchini, and onion...and pan fried tofu on the side.  You don't need much of if to fill you to bursting, and the fiber in it creates a total shit storm...oh yeah, I'm talking about pooping.  Colon health is very important!!!!  So there it is...oddly, I feel like this broken bone is making me the healthiest I've ever been. 

Tuesday I went to practice and sat in the penalty box wearing these:

   



I figured that if I couldn't skate, at least I could have some fancy legs while I sat there.  This sport is getting a bit too serious at times...more skaters need to bring back the fishnets!!

Here are some skaters heading into what has been dubbed the "death corner".  Suffice it to say, I'm not the only one to have been injured in turn 2.  And yet I would skate that corner 8 million times right this minute if I could.:





Since I've been on a bit of a break, I've had a lot of quality "thinkin' time", and I've planned out an ultimate list of things to do in 2012 when I'm back to normal functioning.  These are in no way resolutions, because as soon as you call them that, they are cursed and doomed to fail.  Therefore, I will be calling this a: "Suggested List of Tasks for Badassery Status Maintenance" (as seen, in part, on Facebook).   

1.) Skate until my feet are rubbed raw

2.) participate in Derby 101 & pass the skills test

3.) be a superfan volunteer for NRG bouts until I can join

4.) Run several 5k's (mostly for the t-shirts)

5.) Join the East Nashville running club

6.) Enter and complete the Warrior Dash (I want that hat!)

7.) Stop eating so damn many grilled cheeses

8.) Knock some bitches down!!! (or make them bounce off of me!)

9.) 'The Great Nashville Nippling' - Read this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/05/luzinterruptus-collective_n_997127.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#s394082

10.) Buy a bike and ride it down the Natchez Trace

11.) Hike the Tennessee part of the Appalachian Trail and plant a gnome 

12.) Fly Fish in Yellowstone and this time try not to shatter my knee cap while rock hopping

13.) Spring birthday trip to NYC

          a.) watch a Gotham Girls Roller Derby bout

          b.) eat a pizza on the great lawn in Central Park

14.) Teach my niece's, Kaitlyn and Sophie, how to skate

15.) Dance breaks while babysitting Rosalie (one of my most favorite things!)

16.) Rock some hot pants at a practice

17.) Investigate the micro-breweries of Indianapolis (oddly, there are quite a few!?)

18.) Learn to properly cook tofu

19.) Get a tattoo to commemorate my passing the skills test.

20.) Make indoor rock wall climbing a part of my regular off-skate workout routine.   



"Athlete Gruel"

Despite having a very busy and important job (yes, a joke), I've been taking the time to do some research on how to stay derby ready throughout this whole blasted healing process.  Obviously most articles talk about all the weight-lifting, cycling, rock climbing, yoga, pilates, etc. one should do to stay in shape after injury...very good advice for people who's legs work.  Before the injury, I lost about 60lbs through a combo of high fiber/low carb eating, and very intense cardio and weight workouts (and I won't lie, I had a personal trainer for a while)...happily, post injury, I've continued to lose, though I don't know how much because I can't stand on a scale right now...but all my clothes are loose and my chin is pointier :).  I think this was mostly because of stress and the fact that narcotic pain meds completely destroyed my desire to eat much besides protein shakes (and the occasional grilled cheese, but that was more for the comfort factor than nutrition) and really, it's just too damn hard (and dangerous!) to cook anything when you're on crutches.  Last night for instance, while trying to heat something in the oven, I lost my balance and very nearly shut my forearm in the oven door.  I can't keep living on processed protein and grilled cheese...that's going to catch up to me and undo all of my progress. 

So last night, I worked on a Arms/Back/Abs/Chest combo of weight work.  Not alot of cardio involved, but I seem to get that throughout the day just by huffing it around on my damn crutches.  Currently, my left leg is pretty ripped, from standing with all of my weight on it.  I'm kind of obsessed with the muscles I've worked hard to develop in my legs...my calves, for instance, had that beautiful chicken cutlet definition on the back.  Now my right leg has more of a chicken nugget definition.  Boooo.  All the articles talk about the importance of lean protein in building and maintaining muscle...but also for healing injuries.  Apparently, when healing, your body kind of burns up the amino acids in your muscles in order to have the energy to heal...healing definitely doesn't burn fat.  So DAMN!!  I'm getting floppy.  My goal is to get everything besides my right leg in top athletic form while that right leg is healing, then, once I can walk again, I will just need to work on one leg (I know it's not that simple, but let's pretend it is)!!  I've got to make these workouts more effective...enter ATHLETE GRUEL!!!  Hooray!!!

It's going to have to look something like this:

photo from Sweet Sherry Pie of Gotham Girls Roller Derby, http://www.derbylife.com/

A well-balanced gruel needs high protein, medium carbs, high fiber, and a bit of fat...not to mention all the vitamins (obviously from the greens).  The one pictured is quinoa with spinach and tofu and some spices (I think she said it was cumin, tamarind, & ginger).  This is right up my alley, considering I'm going through a trying mental time where anything meat related makes me want to barf.  (I do this about 75% of the year...I just can't handle the idea of meat/poultry/eggs for a long time, then all of a sudden I crack and go all psycho carniverous and eat burgers and whole rotisserie chickens...I'm neurotic!)  So I need to develop some recipes, but I really am not a chef by any stretch of the imagination.  I suck at cooking and honestly don't really enjoy any attempt to improve my skills.  I can definitely boil water though...therefore I will be making QUINOA!!  This is one of the earth's most whole foods...carbs, fiber, good fat, AND protein all in one!!  I'm not sure how to really flavor this stuff though...that's where this could go all wrong.  I'll end up sticking to one flavor that I'm familiar with and make mass quantities of it and get sick of it before I've eaten a quarter of it. 

Here are a few of the ingredients that I'm familiar with and will eat:  Quinoa, white beans, chick peas, spinach, arugula, kale, zucchini, broccoli, tofu, chicken (i'll eat it during "meat aversion" phase if I can hide it in other things).  So, do I combine all of this together or pick and choose some for one and some for another one?  And how do I flavor this?  And how the hell do I cook tofu without it falling apart on me?  This is where I need some assistance.  So no more of this stopping by and reading just to humor me and not leaving comments.  If someone comes over and helps me with this, I will #1-send you home with gruel of your very own, AND #2-give you the self-satisfaction you get from helping a gimp!, AND #3-one of these day's when I'm an actual rollergirl, I will thank you publicly by tattooing your name on my ass (yeah, that won't happen, but I will point and wink at you if you come to a bout).  Besides, I'm kind of afraid to use the stove after my close call...can you just imagine what kind of damage an unsteady crutch user could do with a pot of boiling water?!     

A Derby Psycho is Reborn

Yesterday, I made my official return to work after roughly a month-long hiatus.  I haven't decided if it's good or bad to be back, but I will say that I appreciate that people missed me and that they are impressed with my injury, and I don't mind the change in scenery...oh, and the getting paid again part is good too.  (damn you, FMLA!)  AND, no Fed raids since I've been back...that's always a plus! (presumed illegal wood, guys...WOOD.)

I got over my insane disappointment of not being able to go to Kansas City as soon as I started watching the tournament's live internet stream.  INCREDIBLE broadcasting, seriously!!  Those NRG girls were hot on camera and even hotter kicking ass and I was so, so proud to be a fan.  So proud, in fact, that I watched the bouts from my sofa like this...(SOLIDARITY with my wheel wearing sistas!!!):

There's a great summation on http://www.derbynewsnetwork.com/ so I will not be presumptuous enough to add my own commentaries, but sweet mother(!!!), 3rd place and a ticket to nationals!!!  I love those All-Stars...they are so damn sassy and so good at what they do.

Throughout the tournament, my dear skate-idol, Curse Practitioner, entertained me by sending photos and updates from Kansas City.  This one gave me the warm fuzzballs:

Now, I've officially made the decision to become one of those overly-eager, so preciously enthusiastic you want to pat them on the head and give them some Ritalin sort of psycho derby and NRG fans.  If I can't skate right now, I can at least keep my love 'a burnin' by volunteering for nearly everything and stalking skaters until they are my friends (if only to keep track of my whereabouts so they can avoid me).  This derby family, I am finding, is like no other sport family.  Even though I've just been in the rec league, and only for a few months, those girls have supported me, entertained me, and have stood up for me to the Nth degree.  It's overwhelming and amazing to be a part of a "league of extraordinary skater-women".  I know I'm not an official league skater, but they've loved me like I am one.  So now, because I have unwittingly terrified skaters even newer than me and I've gained a bit of street/track cred, it's up to me to stay dedicated to it even if that means I shamelessly make a fool of myself (think: very hyper puppy that piddles when it's excited).  I feel I owe it to so many people who have gone so far out of their way to help me heal, to stay positive and strong and to come tearing my way back in with a bloody, raucous vengence!!  It is rather funny, so many family members, co-workers, etc. have asked me, "So are you done with derby now?".  Uh, HELL NO!!!  If you quit on your first injury you were never derby to begin with!!  Here's to the next several years of my life with bruises, breaks, and wheels!  

And here is the face of a psycho derby fan.  BEWARE.  (also I straightened my hair and wanted to show you.) (p.s. why do I always look like I'm 12?!!):